11/03/2007: "If a tree falls..."

Having to worry about color coordination for the clothes you're going to wear to a memorial service just seems like a stabbing bit of irony. Well, gosh, I'd hate to look tacky while honoring the dead. Quite the faux pas, you know.

I'm just mildly disgruntled over all this stuff. I have little to no tolerance for dealing with the things that are being chucked this way. And yes, I know people have it worse. No, I really don't care. For every person who has it worse, there's some guy out that where I'M the person who has it worse. Reverse logic, yay.

I've been a student for approximately 19 years of my life. Sure, the early years were spent tracing lines and cutting out shapes (I wasn't good at either), but all the same.. I was in a school, and the goal was to do some learning. The prospect of moving to another country smack-dab on the other side of the world where I'll no longer speak my native language for a minimum of 3 years (maximum of forever) is, frankly, horrifying. I'll no longer be a 'student'. I'll be something else (a teacher. I assure you, the irony isn't lost on me). Yes, I've been there before. I've studied the language for years, and this is the ultimate proving ground. I've even taught in the country before, to kids no less (KIDS)! But this is all a horrifying prospect. Trying to keep all this in focus (and start working on my visa stuff in January) is enough to deal with, I'd think, with school. But having picking up the city-wide newspaper (random note: population is about 1m people here) in the morning and stumbling across a memorial to your boss is amazingly heart-wrenching. Being in a room with people while reading this and nodding intelligently, looking like you're reading a good whodunit book and not the intimate details of the life and death of someone you knew.. now that's just even better.

What I want to know is.. when does this stuff end? When I think I'm making progress, moving forward, coping with the changes and sometimes questionable nature of life.. random bouts of insomnia hit again. I can't sleep. Or maybe I can sleep.. but the night is filled with images I'd rather not replay. Thankfully, dreams fade as your day progresses. Alas, that doesn't make those critical moments after you wake up and questions what's real any more enjoyable.

That's not to say I'm entirely unhappy. Life doesn't 'suck', per se. It just does when I'm alone. When I have to be 'me', and I can't be the person who has no concerns, is highly optimistic and driven, and will do whatever it takes. When you have no one to lie for, no audience to perform in front of, images and magic mean nothing. Sleight of hand matters only when there are people watching the trick.

Afterall, if a tree falls in the woods and no one's there to hear it, does it make a sound?

It's late, I need sleep.

(as an aside, to answer your question Kat.. for some reason, my university doesn't believe in a Fall break. The best we get is Thanksgiving thursday and the friday after it off.. a whole 2 days. Tsk, tsk)


Jason

On Wednesday, November 21st, Kat said:

oh geez...i'm sorry to hear that. at least we do get a full week, even if at a strange time. of course i worked most of it but i'll get tomorrow and friday off yay.
i'm sorry for all the pretending you're having to do. i understand how exhausting that gets.