12/30/2007: "Why..?"

On the last weekend that I will be coming up to my father's house, before I graduate and move on and do something with myself in the world, he spends the entire time on the phone with his girlfriend. His family and children, people who he doesn't see for weeks on end, he just ignores them and sits in the back room flirting with some girl who he has no long term goals or plans with. What's wrong with this picture? Why is it that the man who supposedly fathered me and manages to eek out the words that he cares can't even remotely express it?

Actions speak louder than words, as I've been told since I was a child.

I dare spoke criticism of him and his professional field, and he suddenly told me that he wishes nothing to do with me. I can, and I quote, take "this to [my] grave", because he's Dr. Professional. I'm sorry, but I wasn't born to a doctor. I was born to a man who is supposed to be my father. How can one speak to me about being wrong, arrogant, and no clue what life is like when he stands there, unable to pull in or aknowledge his own faults, and has no proper priorities? At just 14, I stayed home and cooked and cleaned for my younger brother and sister. I woke up early to take them to school every single day, and I picked them up from school when it was over. I taught them reading, writing, and math.

These children were, frankly, "not my problem". But everyone needs someone to look after them, so I did it. This man, my "father", is supposed to do these things freely. But even on a weekend where there's no obligation, no work, nothing to distract him, he runs off to cavort with women rather than spend time with his kids. Words are cheap.

My biggest affront to him? Not "being afraid" of him (his desire, of course). Not seeing him "for what [he] really is" (which I find subjective, but apparently he knows it's a successful business man). Oh, and dear god.. I didn't buy him a Christmas present. I only called him promptly in the morning to wish him a merry Christmas. I also didn't get him anything for his birthday.. nevermind that my boss committed suicide shortly before that. Cry me a river, and grow up.

I generally prefer to not air my problems so openly.. but I'm at wit's end over this childishness. I don't deserve to be cursed-out by my father, nor do I deserve to have him slandering me behind my back. It's official, I'm done. Until he sobers up (the alcoholism is something he's promised me, to my face, to stop since I was 16) and gets his priorities straight (he has kids, for the love of god.. I don't care about me, but I worry for my brother and sister), he and I have nothing to discuss.

Oh, and ideally he'll stop dating with people younger than me. And making my younger brother talk to and associate with his new, 'barely legal' girlfriends. I object morally here..

Yeah.. I know people will read this. Yeah, I know "it" will hit the proverbial fan. But someone's gotta start this.. because he's been playing this too long.

Oh.. and happy birthday to me. I'm 22 now.


Jason