03/25/2009: "Where do I go now?"

Dunno.. just been feeling like writing lately. Must be the cough or something, or having nothing else to do with my time.

I don't know what it is or why, but for some reason I keep feeling lately like I'm wasting my life away, and that I'm just not doing enough with myself or my life. I try to assure myself that the facts don't really back that up, as I seem to be doing pretty well for myself on the surface, that it doesn't really help much.

So what is it that I should be doing with my life? It's too early and soon to push for a 'better' job, especially in this economy (and to boot, I really no longer have any complaints about my current job. I'm making good money, I'm debt free, and I'm even getting an 8% increase in June). Besides, the only big motivators for change would be more money or a different field. Having only worked for 9 months, I think I'm okay on both fronts.

It's not that I'm depressed per se. Rather, I just frequently (more than once a day, pretty much since I got here) wonder what I should be doing, and if I couldn't be doing something better with myself. I think the problem is my lack of goals right now. As I wrote before I left to Japan, since I was 16 years old or so (probably younger), my goal has been "go to Japan". And, of course, the goal of "graduate". I had these goals for many years and most of what I did somehow worked towards those goals. What I did had a reason, no matter how inane or menial the task was. Writing a term paper about the Whig party? It gave me a grade which contributed to the class which contributed to my general education credits which I needed to graduate. Not to say I enjoyed or appreciated all of it, but I think it helped.

Now, though, I think it bothers me because I don't really have any direct/indirect goals. It scares me, really, the chance of losing yourself and all your drive to a "work, come home, eat, sleep, work" lifestyle. I worked too hard for that.. didn't I? I've limited myself to working in this job (or English teaching in general, in case I decide to move to another city) for 3 years (I've already put in to extend my contract for a second year). But what then? I'm saving money now.. but what will I do with it? I say I'd like to go to grad school (and I would), but is that what's best?

I just wish it didn't feel like any choice I make wasn't closing all the other doors behind me. One of my students was talking about her "mental age" this week, and she said that though she's 60, her mental age is 40. She asked mine; I said "yeah, probably about 40 too". I just need to relax and enjoy life. Somehow. I've always kinda been bad at that.

Anyway, I should get some rest. Gotta sleep so this stupid cough will go away. Tired of sucking on Vicks orange throat lozenges.

See ya...!


Jason