Someday, I'll learn to let go.

Current Sounds: FMA's background music [PS2]

I'm supposed to be writing my speech right now. I need to write my speech. Most of it's done in English, but it feels so uninspired, boring. Nothing I'd be interested in hearing in Japanese or English. Being critical at a point like this is particularly damaging, since it dramatically slows me down and limits progress. Not good. I'm aiming to have a decent English version done by tonight or tomorrow afternoon, then have a Japanese translated version by the end of the week (ideally, Wednesday night or Thursday afternoon). From there, I'm going to translate that version back into English so that way the English version is representative of what I'm actually saying, not an ideal "I hope I can write this in Japanese properly" version, which is what it is now.

As I (think I) mentioned previously, I went to a Japanese festival this weekend, which was actually fairly interesting. Not enough there for make for an entire afternoon worth of excitement, but fun for 45 minutes to an hour. Traditional Japanese music, knock-off Japanese food, people from the consulate, that kind of stuff. They also had various stages showing different events, one of the most interesting (that I caught, at least) was a traditional dance performed by a bunch of women in kimono. Of course, I also got pictures there, which you can see under the "more" link at the bottom of this entry.

Have Japanese class tomorrow.. most certainly not too excited to go to that after getting my uninspiring test results back. I'm also now confident that I'm going to get screwed on my workbook grade, after I spent so long doing it. Naturally, I'll be sure to write something about it if it does, in fact, go that way.. but I'm hoping not. "On a wing and a prayer", as they say. Now, if only I believed in miracles.

The desire to do something exciting/interesting/worthwhile with my life over this summer only increases by the day. It even seems to lodge into my thoughts while I'm in bed at night. I guess that's not too abnormal, but I just can't seem to let it go, while at the same time, I don't really know what I can do about it other than dive headfirst into some monetary issues in order to "fulfill my dreams", which is really not a practical nor good way to live your life.. or at least I think so. I always tend to be a bit quick to err on the side of what "makes the most sense" rather than what I want.. I hear that this isn't so good, but again.. not sure what I can do about that without throwing things drastically to the wind.

I'm going to run and turn the PC off, maybe try to do something mildly enjoyable and then get back to the paper. You can't make yourself be creative or feel inspired, unfortunately, and that's what I need.

At the very least, I have at least 5 people who can check my paper for me for technical mistakes. Possibly more, if I feel like going out and actively looking through people I know. Once drafting is done (hoping for early next week), I can get onto memorizing.

Wait.. 6 people. Forgot about someone I asked last month.


Jason on 02.28.06 @ 08:53 AM JST [more..]

'The pieces of me..'

Current Sounds: Hoshi No Koe - 01 - Through the Years and Far Away

I don't have time to write anything interesting and/or thought provoking, but I figured I should write a bit of something before I go running off to bed.

Waking up in about 4.5-5 hours, then heading to a Japanese festival that's being held in the state. It should be interesting, and it'll be nice to see all the different cultural things. I'm going to try to get photos.. but we'll see what happens. Oddly enough, I've already been to an authentic Japanese festival (more than one, actually), but I'm still interested in going to this all the same. Of course, I should be bogged down with work this weekend (studying and writing my Japanese speech).. but I suppose concessions can be made.

The rest of the week went well enough, I guess.. but Tuesday really did take alot out of me. I don't take failure or loss well, especially not doing that poorly in the subject that I put the most effort into. Pointlessness, worthlessness.. it all sunk in quick and deep. But ultimately.. I can't let this ruin me, or what I've worked so hard to achieve. My goal is to speak and understand Japanese, which I feel I'm on the track to doing. What I score on the test, especially a test given by a teacher and taken from a book that I was unfamiliar with, isn't what's important. I'm still aiming for top marks in Japanese, so I'll work at it harder.. but I can't let numbers ruin something more important.

Doesn't mean I feel any better, no. But it added some perspective to life.

I'm nearly hellbent on going to Japan this summer.. even if just for a month. I need to find a job to support myself in Japan.. but even if I can't find that, I'm inclined to try to go anyway. There are some things you can't put a price on, and even if it is dreadfully expensive.. what's more important? Having money sitting around, or pursuing your dreams? Of course, a job there is ideal.. but I'm not sure if I'm going to let that factor stop me.

I really need to go to bed. Time's ticking away, and my chances for sleep are slipping with them. Slept only 4+/- hours yesterday, so two days in a row isn't going to help. Have a long car ride ahead of me tomorrow, which I'll hopefully be able to get a start on my speech during. If I don't have it drafted by next weekend, then something must've gone horribly wrong.

To everyone I've not kept in the best of touch with (and Joe's poor Christmas present.. I still have it in my room, but getting to the post office and everything all set up has been something I can't seem to get around to. I will, I promise).. I'm sorry to be remiss as a friend. It seems that I tend to fall down on that job far more than I care for.

Time to go sleep, or at least try to.

Oh.. and quickly: got a checkup at the doctor's today. Apparently I'm healthy-ish, no real problems or anything of the sort. My heart even beats, I hear. Though I lost 3 lbs. Nothing dramatic, and that's since I last saw a doctor (November or December). Not sure if that's good or not. Ah well! I need sleep.
Jason on 02.25.06 @ 02:46 PM JST [link]

... what?

Currently Feeling: Not too pleasant.

... I worked hard on my Japanese test. I studied. I spent time on it. I read everything.

I got a C?

For some reason, this is killing me. I can barely sit through the rest of class. Screw it. I want to just leave.

And yet I'll sit there. I'll state blankly ahead.

My self-worth has been murdered.

F**k

School on 02.22.06 @ 03:16 AM JST [link]

There's a disparity between then and now

Current Sounds: Yoko Shimomura - Kairi

I will find you...
Even if I have to search the world over...
Sometime, somewhere...
I'm sure.

The above quote is absolutely pointless, but something I ran across in one of my image folders while I was looking for some inspiration for a coming website design. A quote in an image folder? Yes. This was from the end of "Chrono Cross" [PSX]. Ironically enough, I had uploaded this same image/quote in the past onto a completely different journal 3-4 or so years back, and back then the meaning behind it and significance was completely different. Life is strange, isn't it? hen da ne..

I have a Japanese test this afternoon, though it's just listening comprehension. Unfortunately, this is something you simply can't prepare for and will just have to rely on how well you can parse information from what someone says to you. I finished the written version last night, which wasn't too bad. I'm still reliant on a dictionary, far more than I care for, especially when translating blocks of text. But, there's only so much you can do about that.

After the examination, have class, and then the weekend starts. This is both good and bad, as I have alot of work to do from homework from my classes. The biggest and most pressing right now is getting my Japanese workbook done, which I think has about 30 pages I need to do. Instead of doing what I usually do (casually starting the assignment the night before it's due and then having to be up and stressing over it at insane hours), I think I'll do it over the weekend, so about 6-8 pages a night. Of course, I've known about this assignment for nearly a month now.. but there's no since in dwelling on that little detail.

Assuming I can break away from the horror that is my workbook (whom I think I will name, for no apparent reason), I think I'll start on the speech this weekend. Against my better judgement (though on the advice of those who run the contest and others who have experience), I'll probably write the draft in English initially and then try in vain to get across what I want to say in Japanese as well. If I go with the school one, I'll probably go along the path I did in both my English paper and half-written Japanese composition: start with the lowest level (kindergarten), discuss how it works and what things of interest happen, then move onto the next. With the other one? I have no idea how I'd do it, or even what I want to say. If I can, I want to get it done within the week so I can start the editing and revising process by next weekend. We'll see what happens, and inevitably I'll post copies online once something's written.

Outside of all that, I guess not much is really happening. At times like this, I tend to just throw myself at the work in the hopes that productivity will ultimately mean something, though. If anything, it keeps you from bothering with in-depth thinking, though.

I have started reading more. A fiction book right now ("Rainbow Six", by Tom Clancy, for those who are curious), but I really do enjoy reading. Gives me something to do during the downtime between classes, on the bus, and all that fun. I still have some Japanese and Chinese history and cultural (sociological cultural) books I need to read, so maybe I'll get to those next.

Should start packing my backpack and getting ready for my exciting day. Tests are always so much fun.

Off I go..!
Jason on 02.17.06 @ 12:54 AM JST [link]

It's all cyclical in nature..

Current Sounds: Kimi ga Nozomu Eien - Precious Memories [OP]

Well, that time of year has managed to roll around again once more, that dreaded day that separates people into the "dating" and "single" groups, which somehow impacts you and your social standing. I don't really care about this, but most of all it's the people who are overly excited about the day and, especially, the people who decide that they need to understand why it is that you happen to be single.

Other than that, I'm not really bothered by it this year. I guess I've just somewhat grown accustomed to it. Either that or I'm just terribly apathetic. But the first one really sounds much better (though it's basically the same thing). Or maybe it's just because I have alot of school work I need to do, so I can't really be bogged down by the whole "my, it sucks to be single" thing. Who knows!

Got my application for graduation in yesterday, applied for the university last week, got my transcripts in the mail over the weekend, a now I just need another set of transcripts sent so I can call myself "productive". I seem to be keeping up with my schoolwork for the most part, but everything else I'm lagging behind in. On a positive note, I did manage to start, complete, and edit a 20~ page manga translation on Saturday. I even managed to edit all the manga images and put the translations into it, so those who can't read Japanese can now read and understand the story. All of that is now online and uploaded to the site for Valentine's Day. Hopefully someone will enjoy it.

Unfortunately, I'm rather tired right now, and therefore mostly incapable of writing anything sensical. Nothing obscene amounts of caffeine can't fix, though.

I need to start my Japanese speech soon. By soon, I mean within the next few days. It's not required until late next month, but if I don't get a move on it, I won't be able to have many people double check it and revise. Unfortunately, I'm still at a loss as to what to write. I'm thinking I'll probably either settle on the Japanese school system (something I still have alot of material on and have witnessed first-hand, along with having written at 5 page paper on it in the past) or on a slightly idealistic speech.. more on that later.

I should get running, have to head to class soon. I'll write more later when I have some time.

...and I really need to fix that calendar.
Jason on 02.15.06 @ 01:07 AM JST [link]

I think this speaks for itself.

Current Sounds: Card Captor Sakura - Fruits Candy

I once had something important to say. But my head hurts and I'm tired. So, I leave you with this image, which I think speaks for itself. Volumes and volumes, I'm sure, and ideally explain the intricate thoughts and feelings that course through my being. Me? I'd be the one on the left (Osaka. For anyone who's seen the anime this is from, [Azumanga Daioh], umm.. yeah).

I have things I need to do today/tomorrow.. but I can't really bother with that. Right now, my goal is to sleep. Not long, but sleep. Yesssss.

Valentine's Day is in 3 days. Umm.. bah-humbug?

I'll post later. Ideally when I make sense.
Jason on 02.11.06 @ 05:18 AM JST [link]

Siiiiiiiiiiiiick

Current Sounds: El-Hazard - Kamisama ga Kureta Hi
Currently Feeling: byouki ni natta. ;_;

Went to bed feeling (physically, at least) just fine, woke up a few hours later horribly ill and making a run to the nearest object that I could throw up in. This continued from about 3AM to noon (I had a make a run to school to drop off my homework somewhere inbetween, but I just left it at my teacher's office and came back home). Spent much of the day half-concious in a sort of fever-inspired limbo while "Wild West Tech" played on History Channel in the background.

I don't like being sick. I also don't like skipping school, especially if only to sit around and feel miserable. If I'm at all capable of pulling it off tomorrow/today, I'm going to Japanese. Come hell or highwater, I'm dedicated to making it to class. We'll see how I'm feeling in the morning, I guess.

Right now, I desperately need to go to bed and hope to feel better in the morning.

The fun just doesn't stop.
Jason on 02.09.06 @ 03:27 AM JST [link]

Some days never end, others don't quite begin.

Current Sounds: Ai Otsuka - 5:09am

Currently downloading about half a gig (500+MB) of obscure Japanese soundtracks right now. Of course I own them, I just felt like downloading them.

Other than that, I really should be doing all sorts of things that I'm, well, not doing. I have a "spectral analysis" project I need to do by tomorrow (sounds harder than it is, I assure you), need to register for enrollment in the university sometime tonight (yes, I've been putting it off), and everything else has upwards of a week until it's due, meaning that inspiration to get it done is next to nothing. Most notable is my Japanese workbook, 30 or so pages that I need done by later this month. As long as I get a head-start on it (a few days, at least) before the duedate, I think I should be alright.

Unfortunately, I just can't seem to find the will, want, or drive to do any of this lately. Or to do anything, for that matter. Hardly helps that it seems like more and more is piling on as time goes by. I honestly would just prefer to disappear, drop off the face of the planet for a week or more, and just try to get things sorted out, or at least hide from it all for an extended period of time.

But, none of this being productive of what the world expects and/or hopes for, I march forward. Smile. Laugh. Make small talk. You know, it's fascinating how it works.. but if you pretend with enough sincerity, you really start to believe it. In these moments of silence, where you're left with the echoing thoughts inside your own head, it's a bit harder to maintain the facade. Afterall, depending on how much you want to believe it, lying to yourself can be quite a challenge.

As for what it is that seems to be the matter, it's a variety of things. Internal, external.. the whole thing. I'm not really up to discussing anything right now, but for one thing at least, let's just say that I'm not a fan of a great deal of change to begin with, much less frequent, repeated changes to how my life works, possibly on a fundamental level. Not good.

I suppose I had something of note to discuss, but unfortunately I can't seem to think well enough to put these things into a logical, concrete, sensical order. I can only imagine how this must come out from an third-party perspective, where you're not privy to the underlying throughts and information.

Then again, I wonder if even I'm privy to some of the underlying facts and thoughts.

I'm going to head off and try to do something productive before giving up to play a game, read a book, or (ideally) get some sleep.

If anyone's up to it, I'd greatly appreciate suggestions for a topic for the Japanese speech contest. I need a draft soon and still don't know what to talk about. Any suggestions would be great. Otherwise.. I ramble.
Jason on 02.07.06 @ 09:37 PM JST [link]

'Look ahead and you'll see that tomorrow has already come.'

Current Sounds: PGSM - Katakoshi Ni Kinsei
Currently Feeling: fushigi na kimochi ga aru..

watashi no kimochi wa..

For those who may not be aware, nuns (otherwise known as "sisters", or some other innocent-sounding term that immediately disables your spider-like 'danger sense' and lowers your guard) run schools with iron fists. Sure, there's a priest somewhere out there, the assumed leader of this whole thing, but we all know (and it's plainly apparent) that the head nun in the vincinity is the one who truly runs this show. Cross her at your own peril, poor child. She may seem all nice and lovely when in conferences, at public assemblies, and even to the unknowing. But for those of us who have spent extended periods of time with these head nuns, the ones who make and break entire worlds.. oh, we know. No disrespect intended to any nuns who may be reading this, of course (please don't pull me by the ear, Sister Victoria! I'm sorry!), I have nothing but great respect for them. But that doesn't mean that they don't run schools with iron fists that harken back to the days of a powerful Soviet Union.

Went to an award ceremony for my younger siblings at their school today. As per usual, they got all sorts of ribbons and such for good grades, behavior, attendance, all that stuff. Even though I harrass them, they're good kids. I may not be their parent in technicality, but I really do hope for nothing but the best for them in the future.

Anyway, onto life-related stuff.. I made it through another week, which I suppose is a good-enough sign. I was sick and skipped school on Wednesday, but I think I'm coming around somewhat decently now (or, at least, I hope so). Unfortunately, I seem to have a rather annoying headache that seems to form frequently now, especially at night, right at the edge of my neck/back of my head. I suspect it's probably stress-related, or how I've been sleeping. Either way, hopefully it won't last.

This week, I need to start tracking down my academic transcripts, apply for admission to university, and all the other fun stuff that's involved in that. I don't think I have any tests coming up, though I suspect I may have a Japanese one coming soon. Being the responsible person that I am, I don't really intend to do any work over this weekend except finishing off some homework from one of my classes. I'd like to just sleep in, but this never really seems to work out when I try. Blah. But such is the way of the world.

I find it ironic that it's the images conjured up in the depths of my mind that keep me from sleeping at night, the ones that I wake up from and find myself lost and confused for, and yet it's the figments of my imagination that keep my moving forward day by day in the hopes of reaching illusions that I know truly don't exist.

.. ironic indeed.

I'm going to go lay down and get some of that sleep thing people talk so much about. Or at least I'm going to look for it. I'm still not quite sure where everyone else buys their sleep, but thus far I must not be getting the proper brand. Maybe I'm allergic to it. I'll post again when I have a chance, may be in a day or so, or sometime next week. Anyway, I also need to post up some calendar images for each month of this year so the calendar doesn't look corrupt. That's just not good.
Jason on 02.04.06 @ 03:47 AM JST [link]