Current Sounds: Daniel Powter - You Had a Bad Day

I can't really explain why it is that I feel how I do right now. I just know that I do, and I'd really rather not feel like this.

I really don't want to talk to people, associate with them, or even be around anyone right now, for some reason. It's not too far out of the norm, though. I start to remove myself from everyone when I start like this. What's worse, though, is that despite the fact that I don't really want to be around or talk to people, I really can't stand being alone. I'm a loner who can't stand being alone. This has caused many problems before. It probably will continue to in the future.

For a few weeks I was sleeping just fine again. Through the whole night, and waking up after 7-8 hours. But it's starting up again, and I can't seem to sleep as of late. I'm also having an odd assortment of dreams, which tends to crop up when I'm not sleeping as much.

It's probably mostly related to not having a set-in-stone schedule during the summer. I actually like having classes, because it gives me something to do everyday. A schedule to work around, times I need to be places, etc. I don't like being completely without structure, so the summer's a bit jarring. Doesn't help that I woke up feeling somewhat detached this morning, and then spent the evening watching 7 straight episodes of a depressing romantic anime. Bonus points for the fact that it's a DVD from Hong Kong, so the English subtitles make absolutely no sense sometimes, but I don't think that really impacted the mood. It's just one of those interesting things you get from ordering DVDs for cheap from Hong Kong.

I'm going to head to bed and try to sleep.. we'll see how it goes. I want to go somewhere tomorrow, but I really don't know where. The journey's really more important than the goal right now, but we'll see how that goes. It's about 105°+ every day, so it's generally not a good idea to go anywhere.

.. I want to e-mail someone. Just stop and write an incredibly long e-mail, putting words down in some vain attempt to describe the thoughts and emotions that are running through me right now. But it's generally best not to. The fact that I'm behind in my e-mails and need to e-mail 3 people back doesn't help. It just gives me an excuse to start writing to someone and then sending them off a long letter detailing the things I usually avoid talking about, that I change the subject of in conversation, that I smile about and insist that I'm fine.

.. yes. I was going to bed.
Jason on 06.23.06 @ 03:13 AM JST [link]

It's the fuzz!

Current Sounds: Metal Gear Solid 2 - Orchestrated Theme

I'm going to be leaving in a few hours, so I probably shouldn't make this very long so I can (hopefully) get some sleep. But, I have a bit before I head off to sleep, so I might as well ramble, hmm?

I had to get fingerprinted earlier this week because of the foster care program, to make sure I (and the other people in the household) am not a hardened criminal. Since this isn't criminal or anything, the people were rather nice (which is saying something, as alot of government employees I seem to run across aren't too happy). However, there's something that just doesn't feel good about having your fingerprints taken and, no matter how nice people are being, it still makes me uncomfortable to go through the whole experience. At least I won't have to do it again for another 5+ years.

Otherwise, I've been getting things done everyday, but it still doesn't quite feel like enough. I feel like I'm getting a bunch of small, unrelated things accomplished, and not actually anything big or worthwhile. Within the next week or so, I need to decide on a project to start and dedicate myself to finishing by some deadline (the end of the month or summer, depending on the scope). Regardless, I want to focus myself on working on something.

Whatever I choose, I do need to study and work on my Japanese over the summer. I'm considering registering/auditing a Japanese class for the summer, to brush up on things I learned already, pick up vocabulary, and practice. Unfortunately, it's a second-semester class (first year), and I just finished my fourth semester class (second year). I'm not sure if the class would even help me much. If I don't take the class, I think I'll spend the money on several books on Japanese structure, and things to practice with. Honestly, I'd kinda prefer to import someone who speak Japanese to practice with, but that's kinda pricey. I also might know some people willing to talk to me long distance (from Japan), but that also gets somewhat expensive (though it's not so bad. I'm considering that).

I need to get going so I can get some sleep (probably won't be sleeping too much, but that's what caffeine's for). Then I'm off to go be the fake-boyfriend for awhile (this isn't really too new, but a situation I've noticed lately. I'm growing to suspect that I'm pretty much the stand-in boyfriend for someone I know. It doesn't bother me much, it's just interesting), come back and maybe sleep some more, then head back out in the afternoon.

Fun, fun, fun. I also need to reply to several e-mails I've ignored for way too long.

Off I go, hopefully I'll get some decent sleep in.
Jason on 06.08.06 @ 05:11 AM JST [link]

Posting a link

Current Sounds: PC fans, and some rain...

Never mind me.. just posting a link so I don't lose it.

(these are not the droids you're looking for..)
Insecure on 06.03.06 @ 07:07 PM JST [more..]

"A quest we won't forget"

Current Sounds: Aerosmith - Dream On

I've had a really weird sleeping schedule lately, some nights I'll sleep for 7-8 hours straight and others I go back to the same, disturbed sleeping I was doing a few weeks ago. It really is odd, and makes absolutely no sense to me. This doesn't matted all that much, but I've been tired over the past few days. It's summer.. I'm supposed to be sleeping 12 hours a day!

As I mentioned before, I graduated a few weeks back (mid-May) with my Associate (of Liberal Arts, for anyone who's curious) and now have half of my BA finished. Oddly enough, this was the first graduation ceremony I've attended since I was in preschool, and that didn't really count. It really wasn't all that bad, though the experience was incredibly long and drawn out, taking about 3 hours from when I arrived to when we finally got out. Overally, I'm not sure if there's much to say about it. While I can't really say it was "fun", at the same time, it's probably one of those experiences you should go through anyway.

I have some photos here from after the graduation, for anyone who wants to see.

Graduation photo 1
Graduation photo 2

Aside from the graduation, the past few weeks have been kinda dull when it comes to "exciting events". Since it's summer I'm not doing a whole lot right now, though I intend to start being productive sometime in the next month or so. There have been some things going on in my life around me, but those events weren't all that good, things were stressful for a bit, and I decided to spare the world from having to listen to me nag and complain about these things and that's why I didn't post for awhile. It looks like things are sorting themselves out, though.

I think all my advising stuff's done for now, and I don't need to do anything else for admission until about July (I need to fill out some forms then), then take a placement test for Japanese in August. I'm not really worried about the test, but I plan on trying to buy some resource books for studying/going over Japanese in a few weeks. I still have my textbooks, but the way they're formatted, they really aren't any good outside of a classroom.

Ack! I'm running out to lunch now.. I'll write later.
Jason on 06.02.06 @ 01:41 PM JST [link]