Juxtaposed in Japan

Sunday, July 31st

[Library] My, I love the world. Stop and smell the roses.

Current Sounds: It's painfully silent in the library..

... Let's just say that I really, truly dislike my boss. It's looking like he might be assuming that he's not going to pay me for the entire month I worked when I leave. I need that money, and I need it soon. Especially to defray the cost of the cell (that did, admittedly, cost a bit more than I figured it would). I think I still should be able to make it back to Tokyo okay, but if any unexpected expenses come up.. god, I just hope I'm not screwed.

How could you be such a horrid person and still think of yourself as a preaching, lovely child of god? He honestly sickens me. Especially because he doesn't even bat an eyelash whenever he starts screwing me. I need to make it back to Tokyo. I was promised the money. Damn.

Not going to touch things on the homefront. That's a box best left in the deepest, darkest corners and never, ever touched. Unfortunately, I'll have to deal with it eventually. I just really don't want to.

.. I need to grow up. I need to just cut it out. Let go. I hate being so pathetic and weak, hoping that something out there will come and save me, or that something will somehow make the world better. Sometimes life just sucks. I really should just deal.

Yeah.. a little dark and jaded today. I'll write later, when I get the chance.
Insecure on 07.31.05 @ 01:12 PM JST [more..]

Saturday, July 30th

[Library] Really quick post.. sorry.

Current Sounds: Not even the usual library noises. Silence..

Only have a few minutes on the library computer here, and I still need to write some e-mails. Just wanted to mention that I bought a cell phone for the rest of the time I'm here (yes, kinda stupid considering I'm only here for less than a month now, but it'll definitely be nice to have when I'm in Tokyo and trying to meet up with people. Plus, as an extra perk, I can send and receive e-mail/SMS). Unfortunately, it was more expensive than I thought it would be. Yeah, I'm kinda stupid sometimes. I should still be fine, just less money to throw around like a crazed foreigner when I'm in Tokyo.

Got a grant for school, so at least I know I can attend when I get home. Nice to have some stress lifted. Not sure how much I'll have personally once the vultures are done with me, though. Might actually not have any money at all and need to get a job.. now that would suck. There's some irony in there that the government gives me money to go to school, and I might not even be able to use it. Yes.. god, I love life.

Normally, I wouldn't post something like this due to paranoia and insecurity, but.. hey! It hardly matters since this is a prepaid, disposable cellphone. If anyone's feeling obsessive or like spending alot of money (calling cell phones in Japan is expensive), feel free to call. Seriously, I don't mind. It gets lonely here anyway.

The number is +81-090-1303-7709 (be sure to add the requisite international dialing code before that.. 011, I think, from the US).

I'll post my phone e-mail address later.

Soo.. that's life here. I have to go, but I'll write later (likely in a few days) when I get a chance.

In the future, someone should be sure to slap me before I go running off and buying things I really don't need. But, hey.. at least it's cool.
Insecure on 07.30.05 @ 02:45 PM JST [link]

Sunday, July 24th

The miracle never came..

Current Sounds: Nine Days - Absolutely

It seems that when I hold even a little bit of hope, something has to come along to shoot it down, to slap it back in its place.. to keep me at the eternal status quo that I've begun to loathe so dearly.

Been here for several hours.. will be here for several more. I feel like escaping, but I have nowhere to go. I'm in a far away land, in a city I don't live in, with no one around I really feel I know. The people I do "know" here, even on some level, aren't replying to my e-mails right now. I'm probably just paranoid, people take time to reply.. but I can't help but wonder if I somehow did something wrong, maybe they're intentionally not writing back. I sound dreadfully pathetic. Blah.

Feeling really agitated and restless right now. I'm tired of dealing with the stupid things. I'm tired of much of the responsibility thrust upon me. Honestly, it's not my problem.. so why does the world act like it is? I'm told of holding hands and pulling people along.

Woke up nice and early this morning so I could come and spend the majority of my day locked in a library. What fun. Got an e-mail I never wanted to see (no, I won't go into detail) and two (or at least one) I was hoping to get a reply from wasn't there. Basically, I'm in Japan and I spend days at a time doing much of nothing. I just feel like I'm wasting away valuable time, but I don't know how to do anything else. I can't force my time to be "special". I can't make it feel "worthwhile".

I'm just a bundle of happiness right now.

Anyway, after tonight, I don't have any more work until Wednesday. Not sure if this is good or bad.. maybe I can just hole myself up under a blanket for a few days. Alas, that rarely ever works well for me. I hate being locked up for extended periods of time. Library's closed on Monday, and the last Tuesday of the month.. bleh. Looks like I'll be playing alot of games.

What's really stupid is that alot of this probably comes from some really simple and stupid misunderstanding. How the simplest things can cause so many problems.

Will write sometime later.. hopefully my outlook will be a little bit cheerier. God knows that people don't check this to see me complain and ramble.

Time to go babysit more people who are older than me..
School on 07.24.05 @ 03:05 PM JST [more..]

Saturday, July 23rd

[Library] Really quick post..

Can't write much.. honestly, I'm not supposed to be on. But I cracked the password at the library, so I can be on a bit more than before (while I'm "word processing").. yeah. Morally wrong? I wouldn't say so. No one else wants to be on anyway. Besides, half an hour is just stupid.

Anyway, I have to run. Tomorrow, I'll be down the whole day. Bleh. Trying to go somewhere with my students.. we'll see if that pans out.

I'll try to write if anything of note happens..
Insecure on 07.23.05 @ 04:17 PM JST [link]

Friday, July 22nd

I am Jack's profound sense of loss and confusion.

Current Sounds: Shinohara Tomoe - Ultra Relax
Currently Feeling: Hmm.. guess.

I don't know what it is, but I just seem to be getting further and further depressed this week. I don't even feel up to doing my evening class today, though I don't really have a choice. Not sure if it's good or bad if the class cancels (it tends to), as that means sitting outside in the cold for an hour while I wait for someone to come pick me up.

I just seem to be losing things I've become attached to left and right. And not in the "I'm getting old and senile" kind of way. More in the "as time progresses, you'll continually lose more and more of what you once had" way. This week has been especially hard, for some reason. Yeah, there are the obvious things.. but I also find my usual, calm front is starting to crack. Locking everything up deep inside to never see the light of day doesn't seem to be working right now, and this really sucks. Oh, sure, from the outside all appears just as good as usual. I'm certainly not a bouncy, happy sort.. but I can keep up the illusion of being stable and functional enough for everything else. Inside, though.. it feels like I'm looking at the world through a badly cracked window, spiderwebs of cracks running throughout, yet the pane of glass still holds together, for some reason. In some way, I'm glad that I can keep a front up.. but in others, it's disappointing to see that people just smile and nod and don't see you for what's really there.

But, let's just say something I've only said about 15 times before: I really don't take loss well, and this week is starting to chalk them up. I'm not really asking for much, I just need something, anything really, to perk today up. A sign, a gesture, whatever. I just want something to hang onto. I don't want to keep feeling this way for the rest of the day.. or wose yet, for the next few days straight, since I don't really have any more classes to teach.

Gah.. I'm just going to stop writing before this degrades any more than it has. Need to head off to the lesson in about 40 minutes, that'll last about an hour, and then I'll head to that "house" thing I supposedly live at. Ideally, I just want to shove my head under the blankets and not wake up for a few days, but that's probably not going to happen. Besides, I can't even sleep more than 5 hours here (and that's choppy, with waking up every hour), much less for any extended period of time.

So.. I'll write sometime, I guess.
School on 07.22.05 @ 06:05 PM JST [link]

'I want to hold your hand..'

Current Sounds: Coughing, typing, whipsering.. library stuff.
Currently Feeling: Still in my own little world.

Probably need to get running soon. I need to walk from one side of the city to the other in a few minutes in the hopes of getting someplace by noon. My, a bike would be nice right about now. I might be able to get a ride, but I wouldn't bet on it.. so, I have a roughly 90 minute walk ahead of me. Yayness.

Anyway, I have lunch with one of my students today.. should be interesting. She has a bunch of photos she took when she went to Alaska last year, so it should be nice to go sit down and look through them. I downloaded all the photos from my Japanese trip to my PSP, so I'll have at least something to share. Of course, I don't know when lunch starts, so.. I might be there a bit early. We'll see. Better than late, at least.

Otherwise.. life ticks on, not too much to say. Last night, I ran across a band playing at the train station, so I sat around and listened for an hour. They were by no means a true "band", more some highschool students who got together and wanted to practice playing in front of a group of people.. but it was interesting all the same. We talked for a bit (in my brutal Japanese) and they gave me their website address so I could come to their next performance. Interesting. Also ran into some elementary school students yesterday who decided to walk with me to where I was going for my Japanese lesson so they could talk. Normally, I'd assume that they want to try out their English on the "strange foreigner".. but oddly enough, while alot of people do want to speak with me it seems, most of them just say a few things in English and then want to talk in Japanese. Frankly, you can speak with anyone here in Japanese. Why pick me? Do I look remotely fluent? Actually, most people seem surprised that I can speak Japanese at all, so I guess it's a bonus.

Well, I need to get ready to leave, since I don't think I'm going to get a reply. I'll write again later, when I can. I should be back online sometime tonight.. we'll see.
School on 07.22.05 @ 11:43 AM JST [link]

Wednesday, July 20th

[Teacher's College] Another day swept under the rug

Current Sounds: Typical library noises
Currently Feeling: Nothing too positive.. introspective, lost, etc.

Don't have too long.. need to get running off to the cultural arts center (Manabotto?) in about 10-15 minutes, but I figured I wasn't doing anything else of import, I might as well write at least something.

Been in the library for quite some time now. Technically, I should go out and do something, but there's really nothing to go out and do around here, especially that can be reached on foot. I also had alot of e-mails to get back to, so I got back to a good deal of them today. As an additional perk, I downloaded tons of pointless little programs for the PSP, either as updates to ones I have or new ones in general. While I love having the card dedicated to playing mp3s on my PSP, I think I might delete some stuff so I can have more files with me on the go. It'd be nice to have a bigger SNES library, etc.

I hate when you can feel your thoughts and feelings running rampant, and you have absolutely no control over where they go. I've been really quiet and introspective all day.. I really need to get out of my head somehow, but I can't seem to for some reason.

It also doesn't help that I've written quite a few e-mails today, most of them rather substantial in length (and one purely in Japanese, though obviously much shorter), so I can't seem to think well enough to compile my thoughts in a sensical manner right now. Sorry..

Also doesn't help that I'm racing against the clock right now. I should be around again within the next day or so. I'll try to write if I can. Otherwise.. well, I'll be around. Hopefully maybe a bit peaker, but.. we'll see about that.

So.. I'll write soon. And to those I haven't replied to via e-mail yet.. sorry about that. I'll reply when I can.
School on 07.20.05 @ 07:39 PM JST [link]

Tuesday, July 19th

[Teacher's College] In memory of..

Current Sounds: Chocobo Racin - Theme

Not really going to dwell on this here and now, since I don't really feel like bleeding my heart out in a public forum right now.. but I just wanted to make mention that Sam will be terribly missed. I may have complained here and there, and god knows I didn't always appreciate her like she should have been, but I really will miss her. Part of me expected that it would happen someday, but for the most part, since she's been there for all of my life that I can remember, she felt like something that should simply be there forever. I know I've said this many times and it's still pathetic every time I do, I guess.. but I really don't take loss well. And this loss, unlike the other less than a month ago, will be permanent. Death taketh away and yet never gives back in return. Death bears no malice nor joy in what is done, but has a job that it must do. In a way, I can understand. We all have to do our job, we have our lot in life and we have to live with it. This is what Death does, nothing more or less. It's hard to say that you don't hate Death, since all it does is rip pieces of you away.. but I guess I can understand it in some way. This doesn't mean, though, that I wouldn't truly, with all of my darkened, jaded heart want things to be different. But Death has already come and taken Sam off to where she belongs, I suppose. I just pray what she's been greeted with is better than the world she had here. Take care, Sam. You'll be missed, and never forgotten.

I should mention, I guess, that Sam was my cat who has been with the family for all of the life I can remember. She was.. 17, nearly 18, I think. Ever since Tigger died 8~ years ago on my birthday, she's the only pet I could really find myself caring about. Now.. I don't really know.

Anyway, I meant to post and talk about how things have been going, but I don't really have time.. I really should run. I will be around tomorrow (I think).. so I'll try to post when I can. Might be going somewhere, so we'll see. In other news, I think one of my students likes me.. and I have absolutely no idea what to do about this. Frankly, people don't usually like me. It's just the unofficial rule. No one has a crush on Jason. So.. I'm not sure what to make of this. But.. yes, I have to get going. In a way, I guess this is for the better. Sam really does deserve something, even if it's just the attention of being worthy of a post in her own right.
School on 07.19.05 @ 09:55 PM JST [link]

Wednesday, July 13th

[Teacher's College] Oh yes, I live.

Current Sounds: The typical library sounds. Pages turning, typing.. the usual.

Word to the wise: get your employer's phone number. And get the phone numbers to the places you work, too. You never know when you'll need it. I was supposed to depart at 8:30 this morning, but no one showed. Waited around until 9:10, until I finally just left with everyone else as they went on to their day. Have tried Kyoko's (Kindergarten teacher) cell a few times, but the call won't go through (the recorded message kindly tells me.. but it's in Japanese, so I have no clue what it's saying). I did manage to track down the number of the kindergarten I'm supposed to be working at today by searching on Japanese Google, though. Called them up.. apparently class is still on, but she isn't there yet and they said she'd be back "soon". So, I'm calling back in a few minutes.

Also note: Just about everything can be found on Google. Sometimes, you have to look in a different language.

Called.. apparently still not there. So, I'll call back later and just keep writing this for now.

What's new.. well, I haven't been able to get in touch with my host regarding renewing my hosting plan for another year, so I might have to move MN and jrem.net to a new host. I'll give it another week or so for the person to reply, but I can't wait too long. I need to start looking for a new host soon, just in case. If I do have to move the sites, I'll probably have to do it all from a library computer. Preferrably, I can find a prepaid yearly plan for about the same. Anyway, all this means for people who are not me are basically downtime for my sites. Best case (and in some areas), about 20 minutes or so. Worst case, can be up to a few days (due to the time delay in refreshing some of the domain name servers). This won't happen until some time in August, though.

I've also started trying to get to know some of my students from the vocational school classes. After getting an e-mail address and an agreement that we should "do something sometime", I suddenly realized that this person doesn't speak all that much English. So, I had to write the e-mail in Japanese. I'm sure I came off like a complete idiot, but somehow the message got through. Got a reply, did a quick and dirty translation of it (I think she's sparing me and writing in a very simple manner.. yay!), and I'll reply sometime later this afternoon. As far as I gather, we'll be going somewhere Monday, and theoretical friends will come. Now I just need to figure out where, when, and what. I'd normally suggest mini-golf, but surprisingly, mini-golf is horrible here. No windmills, no castles, no moats.. no fun! It's just a miniature golf. How stupid. I figure karaoke's a good, safe choice. Need some more ideas. Anyone have any suggestions? Anything at all would be appreciated.

Have everything booked for when we get to Tokyo, now I just need to start booking stuff to actually get us to Tokyo in the first place. I want to do something fun or interesting once I'm in Tokyo.. but I really don't know what. I've done alot of the big tourist things I've wanted to do. I just don't want to spend my last few days in Japan wandering around Tokyo, walking through a park I've been to three times before. I want it to end off with a bang, on a high note. I just don't really know how yet. At the very least, I'll try to track Hitomi down and do something with her.

Not really much to say right now. It's 11:15AM JST. If I don't get in touch with the kindergarten teacher and head off to class (I'm calling again in 15 minutes. If she's not there, most of the classes will have been missed anyway and might as well call it off), I'm here until 6:45PM before heading off to the cultural arts center. The advanced group (the one I teach) isn't too bad. The students are all really nice. Just that I have quite a long day ahead of me, most of which will be spent sitting here in front of a computer.

Despite being halfway across the globe, living in Japan.. yes, boring moments can still occur. Strange, in a way. I'm still enjoying life here, and not all of it is this slow (last Sunday was another kindergarten sports festival, and that's always fun). Should be off to go run around with some people Monday.. we'll see how that goes. Not sure if any understand any decent amount of English, but.. I'll get by. Might have to hitchhike, too. Not terribly excited about that, but there's no school-related business on Monday, I don't think I can get a ride, and the bus to the city is just too expensive to justify paying it. I hear it's terribly safe here, so.. yeah.

Well, that's about it from me.. life is exciting, as per usual. Still no new book to read.. want to remedy that soon, but the local bookstores don't have any good English books. I really should go to Amazon and get something, I suppose.

I'll write again soon, when I have a chance.
School on 07.13.05 @ 12:24 PM JST [link]

Wednesday, July 6th

The feelings that never quite go away..

Current Sounds: Utada Hikaru - Hikari
Currently Feeling: Not so good..

So.. hey. Still alive and such! Unfortunately, I've been in a less-upbeat swing over the past few days, so I haven't really felt up to writing, replying to e-mails, or any of that important "social" stuff. If I still haven't replied to your e-mail.. sorry about that.

I really don't have much time to be on right now.. I have my laptop with me today since I was going to show some pictures to my cultural arts english class and I didn't feel like doing it on a PSP (screen's too small, and takes too long.. I'm lazy). So, I need to run down to the place, plug the laptop in, and dump a bunch of files off from cd so I don't have to worry about load time and such. Now that's dedication.. I guess.

Haven't really done much of note lately, I guess. Just rode on the bus with the kindergarten kids yesterday and today, taught a class at a technical college this morning, and have another class tonight. I also bought a manga volume last night that I'm going to work on translating, or at least trying to see how far I can get. I don't imagine it'll be flawless, and it's highly likely I won't even get very far, even with dictionaries and everything, but I still want to try.. figure I'll learn some good words and kanji from it. For anyone who's curious, it's BSSM volume.. 9(?), starting at act 27 (in BSSM S). I have a translation on my laptop, so that should help too for anything that doesn't make sense. I figure it's a good start, since I know alot about the series and like it alot.

This Sunday, I think I'm going to another kindergarten sports day thing (I work at 3 different kindergartens, and each one has their own sports day). I don't have to go, but.. it's either that or I do absolutely nothing on Sunday. I'm not a terribly social person, but it can be maddening to do nothing for 3 days straight. Also, in my current binge for trying to find something to do in my free time, I'm going to see if anyone wants to do anything from my vocational school lesson on Friday. Maybe tie up some more time on Saturday or Sunday. Of course, then I'm stuck speaking mostly in Japanese.. but with enough time, I can usually somehow get some conversation across. As I may have mentioned before, though.. it's always a bit stressful to be stuck speaking in just Japanese. But.. I guess I don't always have many choices.

Well, I need to get running. I should be online more tomorrow, so I'll see if I can get back to those e-mails and maybe write again. Otherwise.. I'll write again sometime soon..
School on 07.06.05 @ 03:35 AM JST [link]

Sunday, July 3rd

Current Sounds: PGSM - C'est La Vie

"Wakaru", first off, is a verb (doesn't that help???). It means, basically, "understand". You know, I wakaru, you wakaru, he/she wakaru. If you're in Japan for any period of time, your Japanese is questionable, and you're speaking to a native speaker, you'll hear this alot. Along with its many variations: wakarimasen, wakarimasu, wakaranai, wakatte, and whatever else can be done that I don't know yet.

Here's where things get really strange: my Japanese, by my own admission, sucks. Really bad. If someone tried English like I do with Japanese, I'd be.. curious, at best. I've only completed one year of Japanese. Most people in Japan have taken about six years of English. Six. Unless they pursue it further or care much about the language, most of the time this English is not good enough to carry a conversation. In fact, usually it's easier to talk to the person in Japanese than English. This is why people say the Japanese school system's approach to teaching English is horribly messed up. What they learn is clearly not practical, useful, nor likely even applicable.

Friday, I did the vocational school in the afternoon and then went on to play badmitton (or however this mysterious sport is spelled.. I haven't played it since I was 10) with some of my students from the class. I also found out that they have some clubs at the vocational school. With any luck, I'm going to try to join one if I can, so I can get out and do something more often, maybe learn something new (or just try to join the karaoke club.. it sounds like alot of fun, and the students in it are really nice). Later, my evening class was cancelled so I went and walked around the department store. I ran across one of my vocational students there, so we stopped and talked for about 15 minutes. Thought about trying English for a bit (after all, it's my native language and she's in a class to learn English), but.. she really doesn't seem to know much English. I'm actually quite pleased that I managed to hold a conversation for that long in Japanese, though. I always get terribly worried whenever I need to converse with someone for any period of time, other than asking simple questions. But, I guess that's how you learn.

Today (Sunday), I went to the kindergarten sports festival. It was about.. 4.5 hours long? I didn't really do much, since I'm only semi-staff at the kindergartens, but it was alot of fun to watch. There's alot that can be taken in culturally by watching the school festivals, actually. Afterward, I helped clean up, moved on to the after-festival meeting (that was all in Japanese that I didn't understand) and then had some random Japanese girl walk up to me to tell me.. something. By the waving of her arms and what I understood, apparently I was going to get in her car. Normally, I have a problem with getting in the car with some person I've never met that speaks a language I hardly understand, but.. well, this isn't the first time it's happened here, so why not! She was actually pretty nice and interesting to talk to.. though she knew not only didn't know much English, but she also didn't like it, so she hardly studied it through high school. Yes, this means I got to break out my scary Japanese.

Oh, and I was given a can of peaches and a tea kettle. Why? I don't really know. But these are the perks you get for getting in close with the kindergarten staff. Yay!

I have about 20 minutes until the library closes, and then another half-hour to kill until I need to get to my evening lesson. Two hours of a lesson followed by an hour drive home, and then I can watch the original Star Wars trilogy.. in Japanese! I've seen the movies so many times, I already know the script.. so I really don't mind. I just hope I'm home in time to watch ESB and RotJ.

So.. gotta go. I'll write later, when I can. For those I haven't replied to yet.. sorry. I'll try to in the next few days!
School on 07.03.05 @ 01:52 AM JST [link]


July 2005
S	M	T	W	T	F	S
					1	2
3	4	5	6	7	8	9
10	11	12	13	14	15	16
17	18	19	20	21	22	23
24	25	26	27	28	29	30
31