"Let the rain fall down" (a rainy day)
Current Sounds: Ghost In The Shell (Standalone Complex) - Rise
Currently Feeling: tsukareteru
I find it annoying that English lacks a good distinction between "desiring sleep" and "exhausted" and generally leaves us to "I'm tired". While, sure, you could say that you're "exhausted", the feeling isn't quite right. "Exhausted" generally overdoes it, as it makes me think of someone who spends 10 hours a day slaving away in the field, or in a coal mine. Since I'm not to the point where my body can't function, I don't feel right saying that I'm "exhausted".
These are the things you think about as you bike back home after a long day.
So, yeah.. I'm tired. That's probably directly related to why I find myself it such a thoughtful position right now. The more tired I become, the more I withdraw. I ramble, I think, I wonder about the mysteries of the world. At the end of the day, though, I don't think there actually are answers to many of these questions (which is why I don't pursue philosophy). Most pressing right now is the matter related to blame. It seems like a fairly trivial issue, but one that is currently directly related to my life. If one party doesn't commit any wrongs nor enable them to occur, but is aware that they are going on and makes no effort to stop them, what degree of blame is there? I know that, at the end of the day, I should always end up doing what I think is right (in a perfect world). But the world is far from perfect. Politics, relationships, honor, duty, laws, social norms, all of these play a role in impacting what we realistically can or cannot do.
But I guess these are the excuses people make for not doing the right thing. The most I can do is admit it, even if I'm unlikely to actually do anything about it. It's mildly important to mention that no one's hurt and no one's dying. Just something that's been on my mind as of late.
Lots of weird problems going on for people around me today. Not much I can say or do about it, other than try to help out as much as I can. There's an upper limit to what you can do for people, though. You can push them in the right direction, but they're the ones that have to walk down the road. I guess this is both a curse and a relief. On one hand, you can say that you've done all you can and step back, knowing it's out of your hands. On the other.. no matter how much you may care, there's only so much you can do.
... I have mentioned that I get weird when I'm tired, right? Dunno. I get talkative, too. Really talkative.
Aaaaaand, it looks like my plans for tomorrow are shot. Ah well. Day off, maybe?
So, I'm going to go wander off, maybe get some sleep or something. I guess that's why we use "tired" to mean both types: sleep will help resolve them both.
Oddly enough? I had a really good day today. None of this should suggest that I actually had a bad day, I'm just introspective. While I actually skipped my second class (yes, bad me), I had a really good time with a friend of mine.
Off I go.
Jason on 10.06.06 @ 07:39 PM JST [link]
Late night ramblings
Current Sounds: Jacks Mannequin - Bruised
It's late at night, and I seriously should be in bed if I plan on getting any reasonable sleep before school tomorrow/today. For some reason or another, I have too much on my mind as of late and really don't feel like making an attempt to sleep yet.
The ironic thing is that I don't really intend to talk about all these things that are on my mind, no. But the act of talking (writing?) helps alleviate some of the pressure building up. Feels constructive.
The world confuses me. Dearly. I don't suppose this is anything unique or different for someone my age, in a situation of transition, but it's not exactly something I know how to deal with. The thought of the looming "future" thing hangs heavy, and I have no idea what to make of it. By its very nature, I have never been to "the future", and I don't really know anyone who's done what I'm trying to do or is in a similar spot. I half make an attempt to hodge-podge other people's experiences to get an idea of what the future holds, and the rest of the time I just devote myself to the direct future. I find it much easier to just look at what you actively are in, instead of what you may later have to deal with. Denial, in this case, is a helpful tool. How long I can do this without "missing the train" (so to speak) remains to be seen.
As deep as that issue seems, most things seem to be hanging over my head like that lately. It's probably just how things have been going lately, once tensions get high enough and when you're around alot of people who are having issues all at once, everything starts to gain this sort of massive weight that looms over you. I find that, once again, purely ignoring it tends to be a constructive strategy. If there's nothing you can do, really.. why spend time worrying?
This isn't to say that everything's all bad and miserable. My classes are going pretty well, actually. I have two solid weeks of midterms starting Monday, but aside from that, it's not so bad. I've been keeping busy (a double-edged sword, as I like having free time, but keeping busy tends to leave me feeling more productive and overall better), especially with Japanese language practice. I really feel like I'm getting better. But when you stop and look at what you can't do (the way I tend to judge my ability, as a matter of bad habit), the road becomes infinitely longer.
Yeah, I really should be in bed. Have a Japanese test tomorrow (I already studied for it, and it's short), then meeting up with the one known as "Japanese guy" (not to be confused with "Other Japanese guy"). I'll either write inbetween (as I tend to), or maybe do some Japanese homework (exciting!).
In closing: women are crazy.
.....
Really, I jest. But that doesn't mean that I understand some of the situations I end up getting dragged into. I just smile, nod.. and figure that the world's just crazy.
Jason on 10.06.06 @ 01:42 AM JST [link]
![Powered By Navi [Serial Experiments Lain]](http://jrem.net/journal/gm-icon.gif){kind=icon}