Juxtaposed in Japan

Tuesday, October 30th

Halloweeeen!

Current Sounds: Threads of Fate bg music

Tomorrow's Halloween, kinda hard to believe, especially considering it's a balmy 85F. I'll be going out to work in costume and then trick or treating with my family and two students from my work. They couldn't really go and celebrate this bit of Americana, so I invited them along. Should be interesting, so I'll aim to take pictures.

I should get back to class. Just figured I should post a little something up on my iPod touch while I have some time.
Jason on 10.30.07 @ 10:51 AM JST [link]

Thursday, October 18th

[At School/Work] Still trudging along

Technically, I'm at school. I'm also technically at work. But I'm not working (just bumming around at the computer lab), and I don't have classes right now, so.. not sure what you'd count this as.

Had lunch with some people, tidied some stuff up around the lab, haven't done a whole lot. Also had some free time this morning to spruce up my pc and work on the websites I go to (if you have the time and go to a website frequently enough, you can actually manually block all the advertisements and pop-up ads. Pretty nice, but you have to do it for each website, so it usually has to be worthwhile). I find doing work helps keep me grounded. Lately, it seems almost at random that I'm just suddenly crushed down by feelings of desolation and isolation. It's certainly not 'fun', per se. It doesn't seem to matter where I am, what I'm doing (though obviously, it tends to get worse when I'm alone).. it just hits.

I try to not dwell on the bad. Really, I do. But things just feel so uncertain right now, I guess. For so long, I work so hard to be a go get'em kinda person, to keep fighting to the bitter end for anything that I want.. and you know, it's tiring. I just want to take a step back, shirk my responsibilities for a bit, and figure stuff out. Ideally, I'd like to go somewhere. Fly away for a week, walk around China, Korea, Taiwan.. somewhere. The sad part is that I know I can. Unfortunately. work needs me. People need me. And I suppose I should kinda care about my grades.. though I find myself utterly disinterested in them as of late.

Unfortunately, in this time with everything being so busy and hectic, I don't really have the time to go figure myself out. Or, at least, I do.. but I just can't do that to other people. I'm not that selfish.

I need to go run to my next class (kinda).. then kinda busy this weekend. I'll post some photos when I have time.
School on 10.18.07 @ 11:40 AM JST [link]

Monday, October 15th

[At Work] Placement Orientation-ing

Current Sounds: A ride-on lawnmower outside

Didn't really sleep well again last night. No matter what room I go to, when I go to bed, or what I do, I just don't really seem to sleep much/well lately. In short, I'm feeling kinda terrible.. but that's pretty much par for the course as of late.

Doing the last-minute placement testing right now, just 3 people, so it's not too bad. After we finish up here, then I'll do the computer lab orientation (twice) and run through some websites and programs with the students. By the end of today, they'll be tired of seeing me. By Friday, they'll probably realize that I pretty much live here.

I should get back to the salt mines. As an interesting aside, one of the students placing right now is a Korean nun. Due to my innate fear of nuns (re: Catholic school), I'm just waiting for her to scold me.

I'm tired.

Anyway, the busy rush is almost done, now it's just school work (like that Japanese midterm I have tomorrow).
School on 10.15.07 @ 07:16 AM JST [link]

Saturday, October 13th

One of those update things

Current Sounds: Utada Hikaru - Flavor of Life

Before I forget, included in the "more.." thing is a photo from an event I went to today with some students from the school I work at. Figured I didn't have anything else to do today.

My sense of emotional well-being sways pretty dramatically from day to day, sometimes moment to moment. Fine one moment, most certainly not okay the next. But midterms, papers, and work don't really give one much time to deal with this stuff, so I'm just trudging through as best I can.

I now have an iPod Touch (8gig model), for all my video-watching, music-listening, information-managing, and web-browsing needs, all in a small, portable package. I also managed to pull some international ties and get ahold of the demi-god of all electronic Japanese dictionaries. For those of you (the vast majority) who don't spend much of your time with Japanese, this seems kinda trivial. Unfortunately, they're nearly impossible to get in America (since learning Japanese isn't exactly that big of a market). Second, when you can find them, they're either terrible American/beginner's models ("Hi! I'm a hideously small screen that can't really do anything! I do make a decent--if markedly big--calculator!") or from import companies who tack on a healthy 200% mark-up. I do already own a totally sufficient electronic dictionary, but being in my 4th year with the language (and I bought my current one 2 years ago), I figured it's about time to upgrade from the standard model to the cadillac of dictionaries (the Canon V300). Seriously, it has a touch screen. I can touch words to look them up, or write directly on it if I can't read a kanji. Useful? Who knows. Totally awesome? Most definitely.

Seriously, though.. even if this thing is practically coated in gold with all the 'cool' (yet not exactly 'necessary') features, it is something I'd be needing. Translating's hard work.

Aside from spending obscene amounts of money, I've been pretty much living at work this week, starting my days at 7:30 and between work and classes, getting home at about 6-7. Fortunately, placement testing is almost finished, just got to do the testing for the late-comers on Monday, hand out class schedules and grades, and.. do the orientation. My boss who usually does this is at a conference, so I'll be taking over the computer lab orientation. Good thing public speaking doesn't bother me.

I really should get some sleep.. ideally, the world will look better in the morning. I really do hate feeling like this, but things just don't feel right lately. Nothing does. All the details in my life just feel kinda distant, out of sync. Unfortunately, I have no idea what to make of any of this.

I'm gonna get going and head off to bed. Not sure if I'm tired, but I guess we'll see what happens.
Jason on 10.13.07 @ 10:01 PM JST [more..]

Tuesday, October 9th

[iPod browser]not enough time in the day...

Current Sounds: mario DDR mix

Reading, listening to a stats lecture, and listening to music doesn't work all too well. Alas with placement testing starting tomorrow and a test on Thursday, my choices are limited. In the mean time, I'm typing this on my iPod touch. It actually works pretty well. Good for killing time.
Jason on 10.09.07 @ 02:21 PM JST [link]

Thursday, October 4th

Letting people know I'm still here..

Current Sounds: Tales Of The Tempest - Vs (Misono)

Not a whole lot to say, just figured I'd update and let people know I'm still kickin', whatever this may mean.

Despite being terribly aware of what's going on, and having not only read a bunch of books on this but studied the causes and effects of depression and short-lived anxiety disorders, this somehow doesn't help me a whole lot. Basically, there's a complete and utter disconnect right now between logic and emotion. I know I need food, but I have no desire for it. I know I need sleep, but I can't (and when I do sleep, it's just tossing, turning, and nightmares). I need to focus and get work done, but I have a complete inability to pay attention for any period of time.

That, I think, is the most bizarre part. People talk, I nod, I say things in response that seem to make sense, but when posed with a question requiring an in-depth answer or as soon as they leave, I notice that I have absolutely no clue what they were saying to me. I can remember words, though. I hear everything, I aknowledge it, I know that there's a message being sent along. But even though I recognize the words, they have no meaning. I can't tell you how many times I stop mid-conversation and have to ask someone to repeat what they were saying, because I have no clue what we're talking about.

This is all pretty normal, I assume. But that really doesn't help my personal situation much at all.

I know I need to be out and around people, and I really do try, but I just don't want to deal with the back-and-forth banter with people I don't know. Ironically, even though it's painfully heart-wrenching to be there, I prefer to be at work than go to classes. At least I know the people there. But walking past her office 10+ times a day..? Not exactly ideal.

Saw Taylor in the hospital Monday evening. Life hasn't exactly prepared me for what one does when you go to the Critical Care unit to go say goodbye to someone in a coma, oddly enough. I'm kinda winging it right now with pretty much everything. Funerals will no-doubt be coming up soon, no idea how one finds a way of dealing with that process either, but I guess I'll figure that one out too, somehow. Anyway, he was unplugged Tuesday morning and is now in hospice until he too passes on.

I'm too young for this stuff..

I should get dressed and try to go on with my day. I didn't go to school Tuesday, but I think I'm going to try to go today. Whether I like it or not, life does go on, and I can't just sit back and ignore it all. Next week is placement testing, gonna be up at 0730 every single day that week.
Jason on 10.04.07 @ 07:22 AM JST [link]

Monday, October 1st

Saying goodbye..

Current Sounds: Aiko - Ame Furu Overall

Taylor (Wendy's son, my coworker) will be taken off of life support tonight.

He'll be with Wendy in the next few days.

There are more details, mostly just specifics on the moments leading up to Wendy's ultimate, final decision. I don't really feel like talking about it right now, though.

I'll be going to say goodbye to Taylor at the hospital with my other coworker (Naoki) tonight. We all worked together in the lab for the short time Taylor was there with us.
Jason on 10.01.07 @ 05:28 PM JST [link]

[At work] It's still not better..

Couldn't sleep at all last night.. I think I can make a pretty decent guess as to why. Just lots of tossing and turning, and for the 2-3 hours I did sleep, it was mostly filled with nightmares. Nothing I really remember now, but mostly anxiety-related things.

I'm actually at work right now.. had to walk past her office this morning, and I'll need to go in and grab some paperwork in a few hours sometime this afternoon. The pictures, photos, unread notes.. yeah, I'm anticipating hell.

I'm mostly doing okay.. or at least able to hold myself together to a certain extent. I can function.. that's what counts, right? But at seemingly random times, most notably when I'm alone, I'm overcome by extreme amounts of grief. Studying psychology for years tells me this is all perfectly normal and a part of the grieving process. However, logically understanding words in a book doesn't really do alot for me personally when it all comes bearing down. It does help to realize it's all perfectly normal, though, and that the feelings do subside with time. Alas, "with time" can take up to roughly 3 months (though this wasn't exactly a full-on personal trauma, so it likely will be less).

Aside from my usual morning tasks, I've gotten to speak to the director and assistant director of the school and sort out "who knows" from "who needs to be told". From my end, this mostly just involves people who used to work here, but I already took care of that on Saturday, when I found out.

In short.. there's not a whole lot to say. I'm feeling pretty miserable right now, and my mind keeps spinning over the details. Conversations, gestures, notes, anything that could've given a hint of this ahead of time. Again, I know this is all entirely natural.. but that doesn't help much. I like to be at least relatively emotionally secure, not constantly feeling this way.

I should get back to work.. lots of stuff to do. Next week's going to busy.
School on 10.01.07 @ 06:08 AM JST [link]


October 2007
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